I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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