we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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