saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
