She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
