where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
