I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
