Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Randomize
