I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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