You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
