What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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