no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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