I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
