I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
So here I am, sexting at work.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
