A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Randomize
