My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
COCAINE IS GR8
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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