dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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