we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
