Little spoons don't ask big questions
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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