I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
