and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
