Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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