found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
