I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
