I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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