If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
