I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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