I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
you never un-have a 4some
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
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