A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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