Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
