How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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