totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
