Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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