I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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