oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
