I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Randomize
