I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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