I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
