Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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