I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
How does it feel to date your dad?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
