Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
