Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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