he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
