Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
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