In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Randomize
