i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
