1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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