im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
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