I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
