It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
