Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
